Your Relationship With You

The more I experience and learn – both personally and professionally – the more clearly I see that our relationships with ourselves are the most vital things for us to address, nurture, and heal. I’ve understood this for a long time in a very basic way, knowing that I need to accept myself if I want others to accept me. But I understand it now at a much deeper and broader level, mostly from a Law of Attraction standpoint.

I wrote about this in detail on the Part 2 of My Twenty Favorite Abraham Concepts page, concepts #9 and #10, near the bottom of the page. I’d encourage you to read or re-read those two concepts now if you’d like to take your understanding about your relationship with yourself to the next level – and to clarify why it’s so crucial! The bottom line is that balancing your relationship with you (both with your human self and your expanded self) is where everything else starts and ends.

Balance this relationship and you balance it all: Your physical health, weight, and body; your emotions and mental health, your spiritual connection, your relationships with others, your work and life path, your financial abundance, and every other aspect of your life.

Once you’re clear on this, you can stop the ceaseless search for the next right product, supplement, system, book, teacher, job, person, or any other outside answer to your health and happiness. Align with yourself, and everything else falls into place. The Law of Attraction promises that this is true for everyone. No exceptions.

Okay, How Do I Do That?

Once you understand the importance of tending to your relationship with yourself, the next question is how to go about it.

For myself, and for many clients I work with, being on a path of personal growth, spiritual growth, or healing is not new. Many of us have been on this path for quite some time, and we already do some good self care. We may already eat foods that are healthy for us, exercise or do yoga, find ways to release the past and express feelings, and meditate or do other spiritual practices that help us feel more balanced and connected.

But what if we do those things and we still aren’t happy? What if some major areas of our life (like money, weight, or relationships with others) are still out of balance? What if we just don’t know what to do next? Often, it has to do with still not really being connected with ourselves on some level. When it comes to our relationships with ourselves, we often don’t really know what it would look like to tend to this relationship on a daily basis. Where do we start?

One of the things I appreciate so much about Abraham’s teachings is that they say we don’t need to go back and dig up every painful loss and trauma from the past. The only things we need to deal with, or as they say, “clean up the vibration around,” are the ones that keep popping up.

The challenge is that some of these old painful patterns, feelings, thoughts, or beliefs have been with us for so long that we don’t notice them in action. We aren’t consciously aware of them and don’t recognize them even when we’re in the middle of them. So first, we need an easy way to identify them.

The Wonderful Concept of Mirroring

The idea of mirroring, or projection, is not new. For example, the angriest and most bitter person you know goes around complaining about how the world has become such an angry and bitter place. Or the person who’s been unfaithful in a relationship is constantly worried about being cheated on, and says things like, “No one’s honest anymore! You can’t trust anyone.”

There are two things I think are important to clarify. The first is how mirroring is directly related to the Law of Attraction. If an uncomfortable situation or person comes into my experience, then I need to acknowledge that I’ve attracted that. Since “like attracts like,” and “we get what we vibrate,” I know that who or what shows up in my life is on some level a vibrational match to me, or it wouldn’t be here.

How is this helpful in your relationship with you? Since mirroring elicits an immediate emotional response, it’s a great way to find out exactly what’s still active in your vibration – here and now – whether it originated last week or when you were a small child. If you have a reaction to it now (get angry, upset, scared, anxious, feel shame, immediately criticize or judge, etc.), then it’s still present in your vibration.

If you have no reaction (you feel neutral or peaceful about it), then it’s not active and you don’t need to do anything about it. This requires some honesty, though. If you have an emotional reaction, but then quickly tell yourself that everything’s fine and it didn’t really bother you, you may believe all is well. But don’t worry. If it’s in your vibration, it will happen again! And keep happening, until you address it.

If you wonder, “Why does _______ keep happening to me?” the answer is, because it’s active in your vibration. And if you want something different in your experience, you can clean up your vibration, and your experience will change. Every single time. EFT is a great tool for quickly shifting your vibration – I’ll come back to the specifics of that later.

A Closer Look In The Mirror

The second thing to clarify is something I learned from the work of Byron Katie. When I first learned about mirroring, I was taught that if someone is doing something to me that I don’t like, it must be a mirror for something I do to other people. And sometimes this is true. If I feel like I’m being judged by someone, I can take a closer look at my own thoughts and words, and realize that I’ve been judgmental too.

But other times, when I’ve tried to apply this, I simply could not see the mirror. In fact, there have been many times that I’ve been irritated by someone else’s behavior, and thought, “How could that be a mirror? That truly isn’t something I’ve done or would ever do!” So I thought the mirroring concept was limited or flawed.

Later, through the study of Byron Katie’s work, I learned to ask a different question when I see something I don’t like in another person: “In what ways do I do that same thing TO MYSELF, on my worst day?”

It’s a powerful question. I feel hurt when someone judges me – in what ways do I judge myself? I feel offended when someone lies – in what ways do I lie to myself? I feel rejected when someone won’t make time for me – in what ways do I not make time for myself? I don’t like the word “should” – in what ways do I “should” on myself? Maybe I don’t do those things to myself every day, but what about on my worst day? Or just an “off” day, when I’m tired or stressed? Do I do some of these things to myself then? For me, the answer is yes.

Need more examples? How about these:

“She’s always picking at me for every little mistake I make.”

(I’m always picking at myself for every little mistake I make.)

“Nothing I do is ever good enough for him. He always expects more from me.”

(Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. I always expect more from myself.)

“She talks down to me – why can’t she treat me better than that?”

(I talk down to myself – why can’t I treat myself better than that?)

“My boss works me to death. He never gives me a break!”

(I work myself to death. I never give myself a break!)

“She’s so negative – she never sees the good things in life.”

(I’m so negative about myself – I never see the good things in myself.)

“He stays so superficial – he avoids any real emotional connection with people.”

(I stay so superficial with myself – I avoid any real emotional connection with myself.)

“If they would just help me once in awhile, I wouldn’t be so tired all the time.”

(If I would just help myself once in awhile – or ask for help once in awhile – I wouldn’t be so tired all the time.)

“How can she say she cares about me, and still treat me that way?”

(How can I say I care about myself, and still treat myself that way?)

Sometimes my clients say, “I don’t think I feel rejected because I reject myself. I feel rejected because my mother rejected me throughout my childhood!” And I understand that. We may have learned a pattern in the past, and we may still have feelings about what happened in the past. We can release those too. Grief and loss work are valid part of the healing process!

Having said that, once we learn a certain pattern, we’re the ones who perpetuate it vibrationally. If I was rejected, or felt rejected in childhood, and I’ve since had a series of relationships where I got rejected again and again, the pattern is now operating within me, even if I first learned it from my mother. Without knowing it, I’ve been sending out a vibration of “Reject Me” ever since, and chances are excellent that I’ve also found various ways to reject myself.

But That’s Depressing! Is There Some Good News Here?

Absolutely! First, the things that bother you the most, or come up the most often, are the things that are most getting in the way of your relationship with yourself. Once you know how to spot them, they’re ridiculously easy to identify. Write down what’s bugging you, change all the pronouns to I, me, my, and myself, and there it is. Something that’s been hidden is now out in the open.

The second piece of good new is that since the issue is within you, you have the power to change it! If the problem really was about someone else’s behavior, or about something that happened in the past, the next problem would be that you can’t change another person, and you can’t change the past. So what a relief that it’s actually about a vibrational pattern within you! [:)] Because you can definitely change that.

Once you clean up your vibration, two more positive things will happen. One is that even if the other person’s behavior doesn’t change, it just won’t bother you as much. You’ll be shockingly neutral about it and will probably be able to laugh at the situation, or gently at yourself. The second is that once the issue isn’t in your vibration anymore, you’ll no longer attract into your experience!

With no further effort on your part, you’ll find that you have fewer interactions with people doing the things that used to bother you. That’s how you’ll know that your relationship with you is improving. It’s how the Law of Attraction works.

How Do I Clean Up My Vibration?

First, I would suggest using EFT to quickly and easily shift the energy. Here’s my Mirroring Worksheet to get you started. If you come across a situation that doesn’t feel so straightforward, and you aren’t sure exactly what the mirror is trying to tell you, here’s a more in-depth article I wrote about mirroring, called Who's Bugging You? If you’re still unsure, a coaching session may help you find some clarity and relief.

Second, once the energy is clear (which you’ll recognize as a noticeable feeling of relief), I’d suggest practicing the new behavior that’s the healthy and balanced alternative to the old behavior. For instance, if your original frustration was that someone wouldn’t make time for you, and then you realized that you also weren’t making time for yourself, you can practice allowing more time for yourself, whether it’s a few minutes each day, or a couple of hours a week. Just practice.

Or, if your original frustration was “She’s always picking at me for every little mistake I make,” and then you realized that you pick at yourself for every little mistake you make, you can practice different self-talk when you do make a mistake. You can say to yourself (internally or out loud), “Okay, it’s just a mistake, no big deal. Now I know what to do differently the next time.”

Third, find other small daily things you can do to tend to your relationship with you. Here’s a summary of what I do each day (and week) to give you some ideas: Tending To Your Relationship With You . Experiment and find out what works best for you. You’ll know it’s working because you’ll feel more relaxed, balanced, connected, and clear. And it will be increasingly easier to love and accept yourself, no matter what you see in the mirror.

How Can Coaching Help Me With This?

Sometimes our most longstanding patterns are also the most unclear to us. If you'd like to heal and tend to your relationship with you, I can help you identify your old patterns and mirrors, and offer support and guidance you as you walk through the process of releasing those old patterns and building new ones that serve you better.

I’m also in the process of putting together a workbook and an EFT workshop (see my News and Events Page for upcoming workshop dates and details) to help you walk through the process of tending to your relationship with you. In the meantime, notice, experiment, practice, and please be gentle with yourself.

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